The Unspoken Rules of All Soap Operas

I don’t watch as much soap operas and those day-time tv series as much as I used to, mainly because they frown on watching television at my workplace (it doesn’t look good to have iPlayer running in the background of my reports, managers tend to frown on that), and also because after years and years of watching Eastenders, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks and Neighbours, I got sick of watching the same storylines being disguised and recycled with each generation.

How many times will Den die? Will Kat cheat again? More importantly, will she be wearing leopard-print while doing it? And how on earth do people like Tony from Hollyoaks and Ian from Eastenders convince so many women to marry them?

It got me to thinking about how a lot of TV’s soaps follow some unscripted rules which seem to be unchanging over the years – even if they’re disguised to reflect current issues. In the 80’s and 90’s there was a lot of controversy over story-lines like homosexuality and teenage pregnancy, these day the storylines will be about immigration, transgender issues, terrorism or just about Cornish pasties – but the results are the same, possibly because the soaps follow the same ‘rules’.

I expounded on some of my theories about soaps to a friend of mine and she urged me to share my theories so I can enlighten you all with them. Admittedly, her exact words were “write a post about it, it sounds funny”, but I’ll take that as a positive too. Read on follow soap-cynics, and tell me if you agree.

Rule #1: There is no such thing as a happy relationship or marriage.

No matter how long the ‘romance’ has been dragged out, and the suspense built up, when a couple finally ends up together or gets married, it will never last. I have yet to see a marriage which has lasted on any soap. Even those married couples who have supposedly been married for 50 years suddenly end up having problems with each other.

It is inevitable that there will be three possible outcomes in any relationship:
1. One of them cheats (which probably means nothing because the other one is likely to be cheating as well)
2. One of them dies (which forever immortalises them and makes them the perfect partner)
3.They just give up their relationship because it gets boring/one of them has to leave the country for obscure reasons/one of them turns gay (i.e. their relationship got boring and producers wanted to spice it up)

The best relationships have been the ones where one half of the couple is dead (probably because they’re too dead to argue or cheat) – in which case, the living half will remember the relationship with unrealistic fondness. Strangely enough, this doesn’t stop characters from having an impaired memory – the amount of times Pauline Fowler talked about her beloved (and belated) ‘Arfur’, despite the fact that he was a cheater and she was a husband-beater. Sounds like him being dead suddenly redeemed him.

Married and separated so many times, we lost count.

Rule #2: Everyone must visit the pub.

It doesn’t matter if you aren’t a drinker, every soap has a thriving pub which is at the centre of all business, drama and gossip, which means it’s a place that everyone eventually ends up being in the episode. Teetotal and/or ex-alcoholic? Why not go to the pub and surround your lemonade with some drinkers? Muslim and don’t drink? Down to the pub with you. Underage or with young children? Why not have a rest at the pub, there’s plenty of people to keep an eye on your children while you have a quick pint. Best of all, no one will ask you why you are at the pub at 11.00am, plus a possible pub lunch and a quick pint after your dinner too.

Some would argue that the pub is a great equalizer – the rich, poor, working class, middle class and people of all colours and ages congregate to the pub cos they all want a drink at the end of the day (or want to witness the latest debacle about to take place). But I’ll just say that the Queen Vic and Rover are too over-populated to be realistic, especially when you know most people would prefer to be at home in front of the telly (I wonder if there is a soap that the characters watch in Eastenders, something called The Market maybe).

Rule #3: Ian is always going to be a git.

I just don’t like him. ‘Nuff said.

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Rule #4: There should only be one taboo topic at any one time.

Every season in soap-world will have a new scandal going on, whether it’s affairs, crime-doings or someone ‘aving a go in the market. In order not to confuse us simple viewers, there’s only ever major story arc at a time, so that we can keep our bums on the edge of the seats without being distracted by other storylines. The downside of this is that a story can drag on for months until we stop caring. But it also means that you can watch a story about an affair in January, go on holiday for a couple of months, come back in April and the affair’s still going on. When it comes to ‘taboo’ topics which become major storylines like teenage pregnancy, homosexuality, immigration or similar issues, I can’t help but think that they’re dumbed down and simplified so that we are beaten over the head with the overall message.

Rule #5: There is always a loophole for characters to come back, regardless or how they leave.

Death is not a preventive factor because there’s always an explanation , even if it’s not a realistic one. We may have seen someone get shot/stabbed/go on the run for twenty years, but it still means that there’s a small lee-way for them to come back. Yes, you, Dirty Den, we’re looking at you. What do you think this is, the Resurrection?

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Rule #6: There is always a villain that we love to hate in every soap

It’s practically a requirement. In Eastender it’s Ian (for me), but there’s plenty of real ‘baddie’ characters to spice things up a bit. And there’s different strands of baddies too, whether it’s the gangster type;, the smarmy type who everyone hates; and, worst of all baddies, the ones who pretend to be good but have serial killer eyes and end up going cuckoo crazy before they get carted off in a wheely bin to a local asylum (which they’ll probably escape from). Think Annie from Sunset Beach, maybe.

Rule #7: The token ethnic person is never accurate.

I have a personal gripe about this because every time there has been an Asian, particularly a Pakistani character in a soap, they’ve never sounded or behaved like anyone I know. The Masoods are a classic example of unrealistic storylines which have either been lifted straight from a Bollywood serial or just made up by non-Asian people who think that Pakistani families are like this. Coronation Street was just as bad, although the only thing they got right was that the Indian family owned the corner shop. As for Emmerdale, well, I have yet to see any Asian people out in the fields.

Put some more of these in Coronation Street.
Rule #8: Time is irrelevant in soap operas and doesn’t run at the same speed as real life.

Don’t try to make it make sense of it, it’ll only give you a headache. A character may find out she is pregnant in May and then be ready to give birth just two months later, pay no attention to that, it’s just producers speeding up time for us. Similarly, a baby will grow into a toddler and suddenly get replaced into a teenage character in a couple of years (I may be exaggerating here, but still). And if it’s highly convenient that Christmas day in Soap World is on the same day as real life, well that’s just clever timing.

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Rule #9: Every character has potential to have a huge (translation: stupid) secret

This ‘secret’ will cover a storyline that will drag on for weeks until we stop caring and the producers are forced to do a ‘big reveal’ so they can try to save the storyline and make us all interested again. Usually the secret is something like having a criminal past or that they’re really someone’s secret mum, or that they were the one who stole Dot’s sandwich. Admittedly, there have a been a few interesting storylines in the past, like the secret serial killers, the complicated affairs and the random storylines which make no sense but which still are fascinating. At the core of soap operas, the moments we all hang on for are the ‘Big Reveal’ parts, the moment everyone finds out something that we knew all along – even if it’s a boring secret.

Rule #10: I can’t think of any more rules so here’s a picture of a cute turtle.

Look how cute it is.

That’s all I could think of folks, I know some of these are silly and some of you might not agree with these, but a lot of these are silly and down to the fact that I watch a lot of rubbish TV which doesn’t always make sense, so I may have done some over thinking here!

Next up, clichés and rules about Bollywood films (and Indian TV serials) – expect some silliness!

The Last DC-slash-Marvel Supper

I saw this yesterday and thought it was pretty interesting, a graphic-novel-superhero take on the iconic Da Vinci painting, The Last Supper.

I thought it was pretty interesting that Superman is put in the middle (I have read comparisons of Superman to Jesus so it makes sense), and it’s cute that Batman is in the role of Peter (the jealous disciple in this painting) – aka, Superman’s biggest rival. Also, Wonder Woman as Magdalene is a pretty good choice – the only other alternatives I can see there is Cat Woman or a X-Men heroine which would have been interesting too.

I like how all the major superheroes are in this painting – although I’m not sure how fans would like the mixing of DC superheroes with Marvel – although there is a good message of tolerance in this Last Supper!

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The Yellow Power Ranger

Back in the days when waking up at 8am to watch cartoons was a perfectly normal thing to do on a Saturday morning (anyone else used to watch Are you afraid of the dark? Dexter’s Lab?), one of the shows I loved watching was the original Power Rangers series. I followed this series when it first started, vivaciously learning the names of the characters and their Power Ranger ‘animals’(which was basically big, awkward-moving robots that which flew sparks and was in the colour of the corresponding Power Ranger).

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My favourite character, was always going to be, inevitably, the Yellow Power Ranger (played by the lovely Thuy Trang).
My reasoning is as follows:

  • There were only two girls in the original series, the pink Power Ranger and the yellow one. The yellow Power Ranger was called Trini, and was an Chinese-Asian woman, while the pink Power Ranger was a girl called Kimberly. Everyone else was a yucky boy.
  • I hated pink as a child. For years. This is also due to several reasoning – pigs and worms are pink, and they are yucky. Also pink was a colour I’d been forced to dress in for years. So naturally I would go the other way in my tom-boyish years. Even now, as comfortable as I am with the colour pink, I’d still pick another colour before I look at pink because I worry it’s a slightly Barbie-fied, bimbo-ish colour. Sorry, pink lovers.
  • The pink Power Ranger was a white girl. I am not a white girl, I am a reasonably brown, British-Pakistani girl. Trini was a different type of Asian, but she was still Asian. And naturally, I would relate to the token-Asian character of the series (I’m also sure it wasn’t a coinky-dink that the only black character of the series was given a black-coloured costume, while the Chinese character was given yellow. Racist much, Might Morphin Power Rangers producers? We didn’t notice much of that symbolism back then though, mind you.)

So there you go, from then on, Yellow Power Ranger, with her sabre-tooth tiger grinding robot became the one I was crazy about, and naturally she was the best fighter (she really wasn’t, none of them were) and yellow was a super-cool colour. The Yellow Ranger one was my hero, and while everyone was off fancying the pants off the Pink Ranger, I liked Yellow Ranger for being the token-ethnic-minority character, and frankly, for having a bit more sass than the pansy-ass Kimberly.

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From the shiny one-sie Lycra costume (complete with matching bike helmet), and the cringey lines like “It’s Morphing Time”, “Get off our planet! Cause we’re the Power Rangers!” and best (or worst) of all, “Make my monster grow!”, there were a lot of questionable things about the Power Rangers series which of course, made it all the more memorable in hindsight.

Not to mention the odd storylines in the show, like how one Power ranger kept changing colour from green to white whenever he kept changing from evil to good (I never did figure out what happened to him and whether he triumphed over being a teenager evil in the end). I also remember thinking that it was a bit lazy that Yellow Power Ranger Trini never got a boyfriend either, during those early PR years (Kimberly got the romance storyline, which essentially involved trying to decide whether to date Red macho Power Ranger or the confused Green/White one).

But I don’t think this was too much of a big deal, because for me being a Yellow Power Ranger was more than just being a yippity teen, she got to beat up some aliens and still go home (wearing yellow cday lothes even when she wasn’t in her costume) and have some ice cream at the end of the day.

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The Might Morphin Power Rangers came at a time when gaming and the Internet was strictly restricted to a Nintendo 64, and children didn’t spend their day with their heads stuck in their iPads, mobiles, PCs, cable tv or electronic watches. For girls like me, there wasn’t a lot of alternative role models besides Barbie and Sindy (who remembers that poor soul?), or otherwise combing the hair of that giant scary head with make-up – Trini the Yellow Power Ranger seems cheesy now, but she was someone who did martial arts, kicked aliens asses and had a diverse group of friends.

And yes, it’s something which was silly at the time too (a robot who said ‘Ai-ai-ai’ in every episode which was enough to make you want to break its head), but it was also fun pretending to do high kicks like a hero in the playground and dragging around a dinosaur toy which was meant to be a sabre-toothed tiger.

Right now, remembering the Yellow Ranger brings out the feminist in me, and although she was probably included just to have a token Asian in the group, for me she was the coolest because she was a girl who could defend herself, had pretty long black hair and didn’t need to act like a boy to be a hero. So in that way, I think we all need a little bit of the Yellow Ranger’s strength in us, sometimes.

Star Wars: The Disney-Star Wars Memes Part II

After the first series of Star Wars-Disney mashups and mockery of the news that Disney has bought out the Star Wars franchise, the memes are still going, and I’m loving how artistic some of the images are. So here’s a few more to enjoy, and maybe some to help you decide whether you’re Team StarWars or Team Disney. Or just Team Meme. (I also love this series of Lego Star Wars campaign, which was cute!)

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s4d6Images taken from here, here, here, there, here and here

The Internet Strikes Back: Disney Star Wars Mashups & Memes

News that Disney has acquired Lucasfilm and will be releasing a new Star Wars movie in 2015 has provoked some amazingly (and hilarious) responses from the World Wide Web (as well as Hollywood, the news corporations, and just about any five year old obssessed with Disney). Here are just a few of the best memes and mash-ups which I LOVED (I loved looking at these so  much, I may just do a Part 2 to this post!).

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cSources (because there’s many  more which are amazing but I can’t post them all): Heavy.com; Buzzfeed; Firewireblog and Screenrant